right before I was offered to do this gig, I was at a cross roads in my mind. one that didn’t feel like the ones before. the self doubt, anger, frustration, disappointments and sacrifices. sacrifices…that’s a HEAVY word in my world. anyways, I was in a good place mentally even though I wasn’t where I wanted to be, the fact that I was still fighting, re-evaluating things, meditating, working, creating etc.. and consistent, something was still off. see, being an artist is some of the most heart breaking and beautiful work to do with your life but it’s a struggle. I never wanted or want my identity to be wrapped in that. But nevertheless it is or rather was. I was considering for about a week to sit all of my artistic expressions down and just quit. I didn’t even know if I could do that but I let myself feel what that would look like for a week and the taste in my mouth by that Sunday was disgusting lol just nasty… I couldn’t stomach it. the seed had been planted too deep. the roots of my love for this are solid. so I shook it off but I needed a direction. the podcast has been a lifesaver. atleast for my mind to just work it’s way through some interesting things I choose to record my thoughts on. but music. see, that’s home. sure enough, the email came. papers were sent. contracts were signed and I had a gig. a real one that I hadn’t had in a while. i can say with my WHOLE chest, heart and soul that the journey to that mic was more important that whatever happened at the gig. literally every obstacle you could throw at someone happened leading up to it. my prep time got narrow and narrower. I know exhaustion. trust me, I do. but I learned a whole new layer on top of working full time outdoors in this wild heat on top of protecting just enough of my strength to practice in the evening for like 30 minutes and life lifing… what nip say?… “dedication/hard work plus patience/ the sum of all my sacrifice/im done waiting/told you I wasn’t playing/dedication…”
it was worth it.
ps. im gathering and editing audio for the performance. soon come loves ones, soon come. might do a lil podcast episode with it… who knows. 🌙🏕️
Penny English 